A Dirty Martini with a Splash of Raging-Dickhead, Please.

Happy Valentines Day!

Susan, Juliette and I went out for cocktails last night. They wanted to go see “Juno” but decided within 8 seconds of ordering their first drink that they’d rather just drink instead. I had gone along knowing this would happen, and even though they said we’d only be there for about 20 minutes, I went expecting dinner… and dinner I got!

We staked ourselves out at a table and though the place was not busy, I thought it made sense for someone to stay at the table, so I let the girls go fetch their beverages first. (They came back with a pitcher of blue stuff and vodka.)

This is only the second time I’ve been to a Norwich bar that was in no way affiliated with school (which, a ton of them are). I figure I’ll order something snazzy to show off a bit and feel like hot shit. I’ve never had a dirty martini, but my sister tells me they’re good so I figure I’ll give one of those a try.

I go up to the bar and am greeted by a fat guy who doesn’t ask what I want, just stares at me.

“A dirty martini, please.”

“A what?”

Come on… seriously?

“A uhh… a martini.”

I figured at this point since I don’t know what makes a martini dirty… I’ll just order a normal one… because I know what’s in those.

“Like… a sweet martini?” guy asks, looking at me like I’m an idiot.

“Sure.”

He pours an ounce of some brown liquid into a highball glass and hands it to me.

“This… isn’t what I ordered.”

“This is a Rossi. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

“No…”

“Well what did you want?”

“A martini…” (Going back to my previously “seriously?” apparently the answer was yes.)

“Okay… and what did you want IN your martini” guy asks, starting to get pissy. I try and keep my cool.

“Vodka… vermouth… in a martini glass.”

“That’s not what you said you wanted,” says guy.

He grabs the “Rossi” out of my hand and slams it down on the bar. Now glaring at me the entire time, he takes two shot glasses, fills one with vermouth, one with vodka, and then pours them into another highball.

Instead of continuing to fight with this asshole, I just cut my losses and pay for it. He hands me my receipt, which has 2 drinks on it.

“Did you charge me for that?” I ask, pointing to the Rossi that is still on the counter.

“Well it’s not fucking free,” he says.

“Well… then give it to me if I paid for it.”

Now he realizes what I was pointing at.

“Oh… no, I didn’t charge you for that.”

“Then why are there two drinks on my receipt?”

“There are two shots in that martini, aren’t there?”

And then, Al Gore appeared out of nowhere, and surrendered to me his Nobel Peace Prize for not ripping this guys balls off and serving them to him in a martini glass… (Excelsior!)

Needless to say, 1 ounce of warm vodka mixed with 1 ounce of warm vermouth is enough to burn the hair out of the inside of a grown man’s nose, in case you were wondering. I’ve tasted some incredibly disgusting drinks, but even a Three-Wisemen tastes better than that.

But I paid $8 for it! So… I drank it anyway… or… most of it… I thought the taste of dinner would help it go down smoother but it was actually the opposite. So, after my fish and chips arrived I gave the rest to Juliette, who downed it like a champ.

Juliette reminded me afterwards that due to the bet mentioned in my previous blog post that Sam still owed me a beer, so I could make myself feel better by saying I’d only wasted $4… and hadn’t won a beer from Sam.

This entire experience further solidified my belief that you can never go wrong with a Sapphire and tonic.

So, today is Valentines Day… as you may have noticed by the date stamp on this post… or by the “HAPPY VALENTINES DAY” at the top of the page. I don’t really have any plans. Susan came up with the idea that she, Sam and I should hang out and drink wine and eat chocolate because we’re the only 3 (out of 10!) who live here that don’t have a significant other.

But, Susan decided to head home for the weekend instead, and Sam and I decided that it would be a bit homoerotic to sit and consume wine and chocolate together in one of our bedrooms on Valentines Day… so we’re going to substitute wine with video games, and chocolate with carefully crafted “your Mom” jokes and call it a night!

I hope you all have a nice Valentines Day, (or had, if you’re reading this later) Feel free to post what your plans are/were in the comments section! Keep the comments coming, they’re a lot of fun to read!